Here is an article from today’s newspaper:
This winter was yet another disappointing season for avid and not so avid skaters in Ottawa. There were only ten days of skating possible and only on one third of the Rideau Canal. Not only that, these ten days were spread over three different periods.
“That’s not making maintaining the Skateway worthwhile anymore”, says Anne-Marie Demers from the NCC, the much beloved federal agency in charge of the Skateway. “We put a lot of resources into it and the return is minimal. We have to start looking at alternatives”.
“As NCC, we need to provide this to all Canadians, but with three days here and there, you can’t plan a fun filled trip to Ottawa anymore”, she continues.
According to sources, the NCC has looked into several options such as Parliament Hill and Wellington Street as well as Confederation Park. But the first two are not flat and the last one is too small. “We need to provide space for 20,000 people on a sunny afternoon”, says Demers, “and Confederation Park is not going to cut it”.
Bruce Papineau, manager outdoor recreation at the NCC jumps in: “The issue really is that we lose a lot of time waiting for the ice to become strong enough. We may have a cold snap and the ice is 20 cm thick, and we can’t let anyone on the ice because it has to be like, 30 cm minimum, ça c’est grave”.
“Let’s face it, the ice robot is cute, but by the time it has cleared the Skateway, it’s Canada Day”
“Ideally”, Papineau continues, “we’ll have a flat surface, layer 5-10 cm of water on it over 2-3 nights and Bob’s your uncle. There is no concern about vehicles going through the ice and it freezes up much faster. Let’s face it, the ice robot is cute, but by the time it has cleared the Skateway, it’s Canada Day”.
At the NCC headquarters, Toni Nooteboom explains that the search for an alternative is almost finished. “It really comes down to two options, one of the Parkways or Queen Elizabeth Drive. Our preference goes to the QED as the closure of Colonel By would be inconvenient for dignitaries arriving from Ottawa International Airport.” Nooteboom continues: ”We also have to think of the several sponsors, they aren’t going to hang in for much longer if they can’t make their investments back. So we are literally standing with our backs against the wall”.
The QED is already popular among runners, walkers, wheelchair users and cyclists during the summer. The mayor too goes out for his runs, and enjoys X-ing (formerly known as Tweeting) and Instagramming about it. While the mayor prefers motorised traffic on the QED, he understands that skating is an important part of Ottawa’s identity. “I could be convinced that closing the QED is a good thing, but no longer than a month because Lansdowne needs to be accessible”. “And”, he adds wryly, “I will be counting skaters”.
Even when Landsdowne is mostly deadsville? A resolute yes from the mayor. “I know a taxpayer in Herbert Corners, ON who takes the QED everyday. He told me it would devastate his wood carving home business if he can’t take the QED. So it is all about a balanced approach”.
So what’s the plan? Back to Anne-Marie Demers. “This year we hope to test a stretch of QED from downtown to Fifth Ave. We’ll close off the side streets with 2*6’s and then flood the QED in stages. Two larger ice robots will be flooding and sweeping the QED skateway at night. We will be stuffing them with AI, so that they know the difference between asphalt and ice and we won’t need anybody there to supervise anymore. Bruce can run the robots from his nightstand as a matter of speaking”.
Quips Papineau: “We already have a name for the new skateway: “the SQEDway”, which doesn’t really translate in French well, so we are looking into a contest for a French name ’cause Piste de patinage sur glace de l’allée Reine Elizabeth is just a bit too long”.
But what about the Skateway on the Canal? “The Skateway on the canal is finished, basta, fini”, says Nooteboom. “I already cycled to work early March, what does that tell you?”
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Even though I belatedly noticed this post in my feed just today, I knew for certain that it was an April Fool’s joke upon reading that the QED skateway proposal was supported by our mayor.
There are several hints in the text that point April Fool’s Day joke
Oh, I know. I just thought it was funny/sad that the mention of Sutcliffe’s support was the first thing that 100% confirmed it.
You got me as well. Nicely done:)
Thx, I try to maintain April Fools Day, great tradition but I have not seen much this year.
April Fools!
This is fabulous news, so glad to hear the mayor is on board
A QED canal skate way will service big tourism money and sponsorships for our city and local businesses yet our mayor is worried about one “tax paying wood-worker in Herbert’s corner” (???) and “will be counting skaters.” We elected a moron.
You got me!!!